Sunday, November 28, 2010

Hello world

In the days BE (before Ezra), I naively imagined that this little person was going to slot right into my existing life. That I would make no changes barring adding a bit of pint-sized furniture, that he would come with me wherever I roamed, that I would feed him in restaurants and change him in public bathrooms, that people would look at me with amazement, wondering how I did it, as I continued to work full-time, study part-time, do my own housework and keep up socially with all and sundry whilst balancing a baby on one hip and a bowl of homemade, homegrown-veggie soup on the other. Stupid, stupid little twit. 

I didn't go back to work. I packed up my studies. I got a maid. And honestly, I had no idea that there were miners trapped in Chile until three days after they were freed even though it was apparently splashed all over the global news. No surprise to hear that I haven't a clue what is going on in the lives of my friends either.

When I thought about being a stay-at-home-mom, I really didn't think that I would racking up endless days of almost zero productivity. I didn't think that I would have to wait for my son to nap before I could have a shower or hang up the washing or vacuum the lounge. Or that I would have choose between those chores some days. I didn't think that my weekends would never really feel like time out, that I would be desperate for someone to babysit for a day, an hour, even just five minutes while I go to the loo!

I thought I would resent my son for any pieces of my life that were stolen from me, but I was wrong. Instead, I resent my husband for going out to work and leaving me here alone. I resent him and his parents for saying that this would be best for us all. I resent my mother for promising to spend weeks with me so I can get on top of things and then never arriving. I resent my maid for not coming to work regularly. I resent the dogs for barking, the birds for singing, the grass for growing too fast. I resent my couches for not matching, my car for not staying clean, I resent Facebook for its 'Lose your belly fat' adverts even though my baby weight is long gone.

And then I realise that being happy means there is no place for resentment. That I'm not the only mom that has ever felt this way. That I wanted this baby and this life.

Two very important things happened this week. The first was an ass-kicking and a vote of confidence from an unexpected quarter (thank you Sheldene). The second was that I gave myself a break from analysing my life and just lived it. And it was wonderful.

6 comments:

  1. You are most welcome for your ass-kicking. It was more for me anyway as I need my 'daily fix' ;)

    You are definitely not the only mom to feel like this. Gosh, you should see what my house looks like. I choose sleep or the 'wonderful world wide web' than cleaning ;) And going to the loo on your own ... history!! :P

    xoxoxox

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  2. so true. Some days i wish i could go and work. I so know what u talking about. I'm terrible with housework too, thank goodness for my twice a week maid! I have to make sure the house is tidy by the time hubby gets home or he has a heart attack and we end up fighting, he thinks i had the whole day to do it!

    I thought id be the perfect wife, mother - all creative and fun and feel like iv failed both miserably sometimes

    I'm loving your blog :) Well done

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  3. So true! We all struggle with the same issues. But all of a sudden they are grown-up and we have our lives back again...
    Enjoy it while it lasts! It is the most wonderful time ever. Trust me! :-)

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  4. so when can we expect our next installment? huh huh huh

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  5. Thank you ladies - comments are great motivation - so when can I expect the next one hey Lara? Huh? Huh? Huh? ;)

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  6. Its amazing how your whole out look on how you going to handle a child, bring it up and spend time with it changes from before it was here to when it actually is here! How naive we were to think we could just carry on as normal pwah!
    Some days I don't even get out my pajamas or brush my hair for days, if i don't need to go out those things are not important. My husband has resorted to "tidying up" when he gets home but only because he cant stand the mess (it doesn't bother me too much):). Its good to laugh at yourself for being such and idiot right?

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