Sunday, December 5, 2010

Toughen up or shaddup. Really.

I'll confess to being a bit of a social networking junkie. In particular, I waste many hours of my life on Facebook. I like to watch people, the way they present themselves, how they interact. You can understand then, the kind of appeal that these websites hold for me, to be able to watch without having to set up a reasonable, real, social situation in which to do it. I know that does sound vaguely sinister, it really isn't. I am, simply, quite fascinated by human nature. 

Recently though, I'm finding myself more and more annoyed at the way certain people behave. I don't know if that's just something you go through as you grow up, losing tolerance for things and people that don't fit into the way you think life should be. Maybe it's because my spare time is now quite precious that I don't want to have to trawl through the drivel that is the minutae of other people's virtual lives. Maybe it's because, when you've watched a loved one (or two, or ten) battle against legitimate and merciless illness (the usual suspects - cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's, stroke), you stop feeling anything remotely like sympathy when the same person starts whining about the same headache that they've been whining about for the last five years. Or maybe it's just that there are some people you really can't remove from your circle, real or virtual, however annoying you may find them. One hundred brownie points if you've guessed that I'm talking about family.

I don't know exactly how or when it happened, but things are not the same between my family and I right now. My brother has a girlfriend, and spends what little free time he has with her. Fair enough. My sister and I have never really been close, so not much has changed. My mom and I, who tend to butt heads, found ourselves getting close during the weeks immediately after Ezra arrived - only to find ourselves pushing each other away again. I ended up in tears on Friday and found myself telling Shane that the best solution would just be for my mom to move far away and come visit once every two years. For a week at most.

I seem to be learning things in twos at the moment. The first thing I learned, or rather - realised, this week was that I have been brought up by extremely secretive parents. And as a result, I am an extremely secretive person. And I don't like it. I don't like that I have to find dark little places inside myself to hide how I feel about things. It feels like cancer. And I've had enough of that for ten lifetimes.

The second thing that I learned, or again - realised, is that no amount of feeling wounded or hurt or betrayed by anyone is going to change how they behave. My mom is far, far beyond the point of parenting. I've been an adult in her eyes for as long as she's been a widow. I have just never made the adjustment in my eyes from mother to - Friend? Relative? I don't know what she's supposed to be to me. I'm going with Ezra's Gran for the moment.

It's been a tough week, it's been an emotional bogwash. But I feel lighter, like someone cracked a window and all the stale air got the fuck out.

I started this post with the intention of bitching about a bunch of hypochondriacs that I know, and ended it with something that sounds vaguely like a fart joke.. amazing the way a mind can wander.